All the Darkness.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 31, 2013 by al0lliep0psw0rld

Into the darkness blog     This is a reason for all the darkness,  but this is just the beginning.  This is just how it started.  How does one begin to make one mistake after another in life?    I think you have to start at the very beginning.     I can remember it happening from as far back as I can remember.  Countless people have told me to write my story.  It has been much too painful.  I am thinking something must be wrong with me because my first memories of being abused as child  should be scary or a traumatic, but that is not how I recall the memory.   That’s why I have never wanted to write it or tell details to anyone because  I am so ashamed.   But just maybe if I take the time pick apart this gruesome part of my life  it will make a difference and I can move forward and stop impacting those negatively  around me.    Strangely as it seems, as a little girl, l ached for those moments of attention.  It was something that at that time I  looked forward to.  I would wait and lie there awake and peek out from underneath the covers and peer into the living room from my bed.  I  waited quietly for him to come into my room that had been make shifted from a den into a bedroom for me .   From my bed, through the doorway, you could see him in his recliner, next to the glow of the  lamp shade.  I could  only just  catch a glimpse of the top of his gray head  because daily newspaper he was reading in the evenings were always in front of his face.  Grandma would watch her programs in her pajamas on television and then go to bed.  He would  then  come into my bed, and get under the covers.   It was always the same routine.  He would start with rubbing my back in a circular motion  and that would relax me.  Then he would put his hands down inside my underwear .  I should have protested, but this act of back rubbing left me sleepy and relaxed .  I remember pushing his hands away,   but I feel  didn’t try earnestly to get him to stop.  I didn’t truly know it was wrong until  I started liking boys at school.  I think I started liking boys earlier than I should have.  I think I was about the age of ten or eleven and then suddenly things started to change.  I think that is when I realized it was truly wrong that what he was doing to me was not acceptable and I began pushing him away and asking him to stop.  Before that,  I never tried hard enough to truly stop him from touching me.    I feel terribly guilty for that and as I write this it’s starting to make me  cry.


Two roads diverged in a wood.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 27, 2013 by al0lliep0psw0rld


You cannot create experience. You must undergo it.
Albert Camus 

I have been in moments of despair when I have thought if only I could go back and change the past.  I have had the thought that if I could super naturally gone back to just the precise moment where I could have eventfully changed my history and impacted everyone around me. However, I do not carry such a power. As we grow older we come to learn that this is impossible to change and we learn to choose our actions, our words, with care and almost sometimes with hesitancy to act.  More profound than my own discovery of this is watching someone else having to learn this the hard way in life.  I can’t help but think of a poem I was taught to memorize in the third grade.  I had no idea how prophetic that poem was then…but then what little girl would?

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day! 
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost


socks and shoes

Posted in Uncategorized on May 23, 2013 by al0lliep0psw0rld

Along the way one learns that people say things just for the sake of being nice.  Words are just words, and more often than not I am finding that people don’t do what they say are going to do or mean what they say, but rather they do the exact opposite.  Truly, words are just words.  Words with an action to support or back up what you said would be a refreshing thing wouldn’t it?  Kinda like socks and shoes or a pencil and eraser…one just doesn’t do as well without the other, but together they are awesome.  Maybe I am just becoming cynical…regardless I can’t help of dreaming that there should still be random acts of kindness out there.  Makes me wonder if it really exists.

on my 40th birthday

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on May 22, 2013 by al0lliep0psw0rld

cat imageSeriously… I can’t even come up with an appropriate title for this.  Let me just say, I knew today was going to suck when I found the poor dead kitten in the road this morning.  I knew looking at the lifeless animal in the street, that when the children got off from that afternoon bus stop, they would surely be horrified to find it.  So, I figured a trash bag was the best way not to actually have touch it.  That was when I discovered it was still warm.  I realized it must have just happened only a few minutes before.  When I came out I saw the poor mother trying to nudge her little one.    I felt so sad for her and so helpless to do anything to change the unchangeable. Rather than leaving it, me…on my 40th birthday got a trash bag and scooped up the still warm contents of the carcass into a trash bag to dispose of it properly. The mother cat not being able to protect one of her kittens from being hit by a car was not her fault.  It was the owner of the mother that was not properly vaccinated. Or maybe if the kitten would have been inside the house of my neighbor.  Regardless, it got me thinking of my own family and how fast time has gone by.   Sometimes, we as parents try so hard to protect our children and due to circumstances beyond our control and in our control things just go wrong despite our very best efforts.  As a child I struggled to grow up and as an adult I have struggled to be a parent.The best advice I can give to those in their 20’s is DO NOT BE IN A RUSH TO HAVE A FAMILY! Get an education or at least a skill first. In your 30’s enjoy your marriage and then your children and if you are not there yet don’t worry!  I have been here 40 years today and my life is not done yet but my hope is that when I leave here my life will be celebrated after I am gone.


Posted in Uncategorized on May 22, 2013 by al0lliep0psw0rld

tornado pathAn EF5 tornado hit Oklahoma yesterday . I remember watching the film Twister with Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. It depicted what it might be like to survive a F5 tornado.  It was a wild ride to watch the film, a bit dated now. It is so hard to imagine that anything of that magnitude could have ever have come to fruition.

May 20, 2013 history’s path was made for 17 miles and 40 minutes long. It is not the kind of history that you would ever look forward to

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